Music & Christianity

Ok, after a week and some change of flu and blog absence, it's time to post. And, so as not to disappoint my faithful readers, today's post will hopefully be thought provoking. It's time to tackle the ancient debate about the relationship between music and Christianity. It's long and the thoughts are occasionally scattered, but I'm passionate about it... I would be remiss if I did not first say, that this interview with Lee Bozeman really got my mind gurgling again. Lee is a friend and fellow O.C. who, in my opinion, is a brilliant singer/songwriter. He is most well known as the front man for "Luxury", a band originally from Toccoa, Georgia. However, he and his family have moved, and he has gone solo, with a new album just having been released. I personally love his use of "sampling" or mixing other tracks of music and spoken word in his songs. For those who know them, Lee even used a recording of scripture reading from New Skete Monastery in his song "The Transfiguration." I highly recommend that you read the entire interview. It is short, and Lee's perspective on the whole CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) thing is very good in my opinion. To begin, I will quote Lee:

"Music and Christianity. Has there ever been a more misunderstood and terribly unhealthy relationship than between these two? The evangelical mentality has so pervaded and manipulated the modern western Christian that he is unable to see that Christianity is not a product to be bought and sold, nor is it a message to be propagandized, but rather, it is a completely counter-culture existential lifestyle. Contemporary Christian Music is nothing more than a musical version of McDonald's. They offer little in the way of true sustenance and appeal to our lowest common desire: our desire to be entertained. A true artist seeks to find peace with himself, and we, as onlookers, see something that is real and we cling to and believe in it. The truest Christian artist is the most human artist."

Being a singer/songwriter and artist myself, I have always found this debate one that is close to my heart. Growing up in the late 80's and early 90's in an Evangelical Orthodox church, and being formed primarily by others who very evangelical, I was very much into (and encouraged to be) what has become known as CCM. Bands like Petra, D.C. Talk, Newsboys, Geoff Moore and the Distance, and artists like Michael W. Smith, Amy Grant, and Rich Mullins formed the steady diet of my listening appetite. In response to secular music, most of us young and budding Christians decided to "shun" secular or non-Christian music. We had one big "Devil music burning party" and got rid of our "non-Christian" vinyl, tapes, and C.D.'s. Of course, we were encouraged to do so by parents and youth leaders. Looking back, the ironic thing about it all is that we really believed we were being radical and counter-cultural. Mwahahahahaha! However, as many of you know, all we were really doing was letting go of acceptance from one culture to receive approval from another similar culture, thus pretty much canceling out any true radical behavior. I know there are many out there who would say, "Yeah, but you made your first radical stand for Jesus that day, and threw out the trash that you listened to." Hmmm... Well, sure, we were able to face the death of music that we enjoyed, and I think there was some virtue in being able to let go of Earthly possessions... But, not all the music was trash, and the new stuff that we listened to was mostly just Christian propaganda, not necessarily true art. I was fortunate enough to escape the grasp of Carmen (couldn't stand the man or his music) but I was now a part of this Christian clique (for that's certainly what it was) and listened strictly to music donned "Christian." I'm not saying that I wish I'd done things differently, and maybe that was an important thing for me to do then, but in retrospect it seems a wee bit foolish. I think it would behoove us to actually listen to what's popular that our kids are listening to, and talk with them about it rather than blindly censor and draw very black and white categories of "Christian" and "Secular." Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent...back to the original reason for the post... Lee's comment, "Contemporary Christian Music is nothing more than a musical version of McDonald's. They offer little in the way of true sustenance and appeal to our lowest common desire: our desire to be entertained." strikes something deep in me; a sense of moral outcry against something that is proclaimed to be Christian, and in many cases is inherently not. I've been to some Christian concerts where the artist was certainly pumped for Jesus on stage, and really doing his/her best to convert all the teenagers for Christ, but seemed much less enthused off-stage. I'm not judging the man, only the machine, and the false assumption that just because something is labeled Christian doesn't mean that it is life giving, healthy, or art. It seems that Lee's driving point here is that we seek to be entertained. Fine. I love being entertained! The problem comes when I confuse that entertainment with true spirituality and art. I think that this is why I have a certain sense of distaste for the whole Christian non-counter-counterculture; you know, all the icthus medallions, t-shirts using a secular logo and imposing a Christian statement or moral to it, parodies of secular songs replaced with more "wholesome" lyrics...etc. Which brings up the first part of Lee's comment:

"The evangelical mentality has so pervaded and manipulated the modern western Christian that he is unable to see that Christianity is not a product to be bought and sold, nor is it a message to be propagandized, but rather, it is a completely counter-culture existential lifestyle."

All you have to do is recall the massive marketing of the infamous Prayer of Jabez to really grasp what Lee's talking about, and of which I completely concur. Or perhaps the whole WWJD extravaganza and all that branched off of it? As with all of these, CCM has become a wildly successful thing. However, I have a hard time believing that the originators of the whole CCM thing would really approve of what's going on now. It seemed that when it started in the 70's, there was some purity and innocence in wanting to create music for Jesus; music to uplift the spirit and to remind us of Whose we are. But now, the CCM machine is often in an attempt to one up the secular market, or perhaps to show that, "Hey, Christians can be cool too!" So many of these flaming young balls of pubescence can't derive from this music that Christianity is about living a totally radical lifestyle; and no, not radical in the sense of cool, but radical in the sense of being really RADICAL. As Rich Mullins put it,

"We love the sensation of Christianity and the sensation of spirituality- we like the illusion of it, but we don't want the reality of it. The reality of it would be way too glorious and too boring for any of us to handle."

All in all, my point is that we really need to encourage each other and other Christians to listen to music not because it's labeled "Christian" and therefore supposedly safe, but because it's good, and it touches something deep in us. I'm not saying that CCM can't do that, only that Lee is right in saying that it often offers little in the way of true sustenance. Sure, there's a pearl here and there, but all in all, when all the lyrics are propaganda, it's not art, it's...well...propaganda. It reduces Christianity to a cheer or a pumped up youth rally, and not a call to total abandonment to God. One last time, to quote Lee:

"Kids today lack convictions and the gumption to act upon them. God doesn't need cheerleaders. He wants sober-minded, self-controlled people who love unconditionally. He wants real people, not duplicates. He wants people who will embrace suffering and find peace with themselves."

Exactly. This is the message of Orthodox Christianity. This is the message that I am afraid is being lost to a culture of Christian wusses. (Yes, I'm included in that category...) Scripture verses like, "Take up your cross, and follow me"; are now being translated to mean, "Take up your crosses, your CCM CDs, your in-your-face t-shirts, your Extreme Bibles, your Prayer of Jabez books, journals, board-games, study aides, and your WWJD bracelets, hats, bumper-stickers, shorts, and underwear, and follow me." There is less and less a call to self-sacrifice, a call to leave it all behind, a call of abandonment to God. And all too often the voice that does still cry out this message is frowned upon by the very community that should be embracing it! To end, here's a the rest of the snip-it from Rich:

"...And one of the distinct things about the American culture is that we're product oriented. Most people I know would rather watch a movie about riding a horse than go ride a horse. Most people I know would rather (with all of this "Virtuous Reality" or whatever that is) seek out the sensation of something, than seek out the thing itself. That's why pornography is very popular in our culture, because you get all of the, most of the, thrill of sex without actually having to touch anybody. And it's absolutely safe. That's why soap operas are so popular. They're the female equivalent of pornography. They get all the feelings, they get to be stirred up and disturbed and emotionally traumatized and never have to be around a man to do it. And the church has adopted that very thing. We love the sensation of Christianity and the sensation of spirituality- we like the illusion of it, but we don't want the reality of it. The reality of it would be way too glorious and too boring for any of us to handle. And that's why we have, as Americans, this wonderful thing that we can buy, this illusion. As long as you recognize that it's an illusion it's perfectly fine, it's perfectly safe. It's when we begin to believe that this is the reality of the thing that we run into trouble. And so we go (oh yeah, I get this all the time) "I'm so glad you came because I'm in such a spiritual low. It's been three months since our last Christian concert and I'm just starving spiritually." And I go, "Well babe, you're starving worse now than ever, because you just got a lot of candy. That's all can give you. If you really want spiritual sustenance, go to church. Lock yourself into something that is more eternal than your little MTV generation head can handle."

It's out there; look for it. Artists like Lee, Bill Mallonee & Vigilantes of Love, Will Kimbrough, Joey Weir, Frontmanout, Luke Seraphim (shameless plug), Adrian Kolbo, Sean Blomberg (more shameless plugs) Susan Enan, Sarah Harmer, Luxury, Viva Voce, The Jayhawks, Coldplay, and Sixpence None the Richer actually exist (some of which have acquired a very large following...certainly for reasons other than "hype") and are artists in the truest sense of the word. And yes, for those who still are unsure of what I'm driving at here, let's cease and desist on the classification of music as Christian. Words like "hell, damn, shit, fuck, and so on..." are not an abomination to God and when used in lyrics do not make a song "un-Christian." Used well and in proper context, they are tools to express deep emotion and feeling, things created by God Himself. Please, don't censor something just because it's not labeled Christian, else you may miss out on the beauty, the joy, the pain, and the deep sense of God's love and our collective part of the The Story in the poetry and composition of these and other artists. Christianity will bleed through the art of any musician who is a Christian themselves, whether they write hymns or Rock and Americana. The same is true of artists who aren't necessarily Christian, but are seeking the Truth in their songs. As Lee said, "The truest Christian artist is the most human artist." Art is passion, art is emotion, and at it's best, it is a window into the soul of the artists themselves, and perhaps in that image, that vulnerability, that song, that creation, we will see a part of ourselves in the reflection and remember our Creator and the Divine spark within us all. Glory to Jesus Christ! Glory Forever!

Sick...

Yes, I too have been struck by the ole' flu virus, and we hates it, yes we hates it my precious...

Janna and I would appreciate any and all prayers for the Lord to open doors for employment and housing in Nap-Town for us. We're both getting antsy to get back! A big THANK YOU to all in advance, as I know you pray for us anyway. Our prayers are certainly with you all, especially those of you ill with this damnable flu, and all y'all college educated folk who are taking finals. :-)

I think I'll actually post about something in a few days...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

May the Lord bless you and keep you this day of thanks and praise to Him for all good gifts! :: Luke Seraphim "We give you thanks Christ God for Your earthly gifts! Do not deprive us of Your heavenly kingdom. But as You came among Your disciples O Saviour, giving them Your peace, come also among us, and save us."

The Force Is Strong With Me

Luke Skywalker

Boldly striving to overcome the darkness both in this world and within yourself, you are righteously devoted to forging your own destiny.

"It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers."

Finally tired of being a woman, (please don't read into that...) I retook the test, and changed ONE answer that I wavered on the first time, and look who I got...thank the Force I'm no longer a woman! And wow, of all the fantasy characters in the world, I end up first with Leigh, and then with LUKE SKYWALKER...talk about destiny...

Memory Eternal

This morning at 8:47, Photios Loudermilk passed from this mortal coil into life eternal. His struggle with cancer is over, hallelujah! He has run his race. May Christ our God remember him today in His Kingdom. May He comfort his wife and family. In pace requiescat dear brother. Memory Eternal.

"With the Saints give rest, O Christ, to the soul of Your servant, Photios, where there is no pain, no sorrow, no sighing, but life everlasting. You alone are immortal, who didst make and mould man. But we mortals were formed from earth, and to the earth we return, as You who created me did command and say to me, “You are earth, and to the earth shall you return,” where all we mortals are going, and for a funeral dirge we make the song: Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia.

With the spirits of the righteous give rest, O Savior, to the soul of Your departed servant, Photios, and keep him in the blessed life with You, O Lover of man. In the place of Your rest, O Lord, where all Your Saints repose give rest also to the soul of Your servant for You alone are the Lover of mankind."

Which Fantasy/Sci-Fi Character Are You?

I think my response to my results are most likely an all encompassing, "DAMNIT." I highly encourage you to take this funny test. Perhaps you'll fare better than Princess Leigh, and actually get someone of your gender. Cheers!

Sex in Media

Just wanted to make a pointer to a post and lively discussion over at Karl's Blog entitled "Sex in Films." Be sure to have a good beer or a warm cup of coffee handy, as there are now 39 comments to the original post! A very good discussion in my opinion, however, it is much too male heavy. Any female readers, please add your two cents worth. Too much testosterone floating around...

Take the Gospel Seriously?!?

This is a post in reply to the first half of a post on Joshua's blog entitled "Revolutions."

Yeah, I think that many men are like caged lions, and as Thoreau states, do indeed lead lives of "quiet desperation." I still haven't read Wild at Heart, but I've heard much about it. I can say that from my own experience, this move away from the city and all that's familiar has taught me many things; one of them being that we don't always have to do what's "expected" of us. Sure, we're all free to do as we so choose, hence the meaning of "free will," but I think most people are tied up in living up to someone else's expectations for their life. No one makes me choose to do that, but that doesn't make it any less real. Think of all the ways we all tried to "fit in" in high school; always trying to be who we thought "they" wanted us or expected us to be. Afterwards, it's no different; for example, "You should go to college...you should get a decent job...you should acquire "nice" things...you should be financially independent...you should stay thin...you should look young...etc... It's endless. I know that this is not what the Church teaches, but it makes no difference all the same. Look at how many Christians are caught up in this trap; even whole churches! I can remember a story Eric told me about his old senior pastor; a good man who loved God, but always struggled with doing enough "outreach" to "save souls and fill the pews" so that his parish might become a "mega" spirit filled church like many of his colleagues. Again and again, I find that Solomon is so right when he says that "there is nothing new under the sun." The sin of comparison and fear began long ago. And, although I do believe that many men are indeed looking for adventure, or a way out of the cage (to continue on with the caged lion theory) I think most of us are also too afraid of the consequences of actually going for the adventure. Once again, fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the "what if's." Fear of what my friends, parents, family, employers or church will think. Dare I expose this side of myself? How can I tell them what I ache for in the innner soul of my being? How can I leave a good job with a good salary, benefits, 401-K and stock options? Forget the fact that I'm miserable. (Of course, I should add that in no way am I advocating just dropping responsibility and becoming a self-seeking person. I'm simply talking about truly listening to God and not being afraid to go where the Spirit leads.)

Doing the unexpected has opened new doors for us (Janna and I); not even the doors I thought it would. More than anything, it's taught us not to fear the raging fury of God's love, and to accept that, although I say that I want God to use me and show me His direction for my life, I often don't really mean it because I'm too afraid of the adventure ahead. To close out my rather lengthy and scattered point...this is what I'm driving at: I think as a whole, we've become a society of fearful individuals. Certainly, most of us have become fearful Christians. I know that I was truly afraid of leaving Indianapolis and all the comforts of the familiar, as I believe many others are afraid of leaving their creature-comforts. But, God gave Janna and I the strength. And I'm so thankful that He did. The less I am afraid to trust, the more Christ-like I will truly become. And I don't mean just coining the cheap phrase "I trust Jesus" either. I mean, really taking the Gospel at face value, and REALLY trusting what Jesus said, and truly believing with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength that Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death. We no longer have to be afraid. No matter what happens, it is finished! Death has been abolished! Unfortunately though, too much of modern Christianity is a watered down version of the Gospel. I'm saddened that so many of the Christians that I share this theory with are shocked by the idea that we should ACTUALLY let go of what we have, take up our crosses, and follow Christ. In a big way, many of us have become just like the rich young ruler, unable to let go of our "stuff." Or better yet, perhaps we are more like the man who tells Jesus, "I'll follow you wherever you lead, but first let me go and bury my father." And Jesus replies, "Let the dead bury the dead..." Hard verse to get, but I think it's got to do with letting go; with leaving our fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers, careers and comfort, to really do as God asks. Are any of those things bad? Heck no! But the minute I start to consider the cost of those as more than the Gospel and following Jesus, I've become an idolater. Sorry, but I really think that Christ meant it when he said,

"...do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add one hour to his life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear?' (For the Pagans are always concerned with these things) for your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."

Why is that so hard for us? Why do we constantly try to get out of doing it? It's the same problem that got us here in the first place; not trusting God. "I can't explain why now, but don't eat from the tree in the midst of the Garden." "Hmmm...what if God isn't telling the truth and the Serpent is? I could be missing out on something!" It's amazing what happens when you decide to truly trust God, and to live by faith. The nuns here have thousands of stories about how the Lord has always provided for them. I can say the same. I've never been so poor and frightened in my life, but God has been teaching me to trust Him, instead of my own devices. And I can honestly say that we have never gone hungry or had any need that the Lord didn't take care of. Letting go of control is a serious issue for me, and for many men. I'm not comfortable with not being in control of my own destiny. And God is there all the time saying, "Go ahead, do as you will. But my yoke is easy and my burden light. You can go your own way, but I'm tellin' ya, you're choosing the hard path. Alright. Go ahead..."

Well I for one am becoming more and more aware of the Great Lie as it is presented today...on a golden platter called COMFORT. It is so slick..."Life is about responsibilities and limited liabilities. Do well in school today so that you can achieve success tomorrow, and acquire all that your heart lusts for. That way you will never have to know pain, nor will you ever have to worry about where your food or clothing will come from, because that's what Jesus would do." or "Make sure that you never fully give your heart to anything, otherwise it might get broken. And that includes ever being truly vulnerable and intimate with your spouse and especially with other men..."

That's right my friends, go on and name and claim your way out of obscurity: believe and achieve, adapt and overcome. Hold on to your dignity, your emotions, and all that is inside of you. Never show what's really burning there inside that wild heart. Never reveal that aching hole that eats at you constantly, longing to be filled with love. You do that, and you could get hurt. Resist the God that never ceases saying, "I love you. Free yourself of all that this world holds dear, take up your cross, and follow me." Take at face value all that we're told to buy, like some knock off Rolex from the streets of the city...sure, it looks like the real deal and it'll fool your friends, but you'll always know it's not really the genuine article. Then, you will lead a life of quiet desperation, becuase you know that your living a lie. You yourself know the pain and grief that's eating you alive, and needs to be taken and held by Another. But who knows? Perhaps if you try real hard, and tell yourself that you've got the real thing long enough, you'll finally come to believe that the lie is really the truth, and no longer have to live a life of "quiet desperation," rather, you will have become truly beyond redemption, beyong intimacy, beyond adventure, and beyond loving. Your perfection as a slave will be complete, as will your captivity to your own mind. Of course, you could also decide to spill it all out, and jump into that great abyss of God's love and purpose for your life, and embrace with all your being the "what if." You never know where it might lead...you could be hurt. You could be broken. You will most likely die, but man, what a ride!

O Lord, please help us. Give us the strength to really trust you, and to have the guts to let go of the fear of death. "Great are you O God, and wonderful are all Your works..." "O Lord, you search me and you know me. You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts. You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions. Even before I speak, you already know what I will say. You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power. Your knowledge of me is too deep; it is beyond my understanding. Where could I go to escape from you? Where could I hide from your presence? If I went up to heaven, you would be there; if I lay down in the depths of hell, still, there you would be. If I flew away beyond the east or lived in the farthest place in the west, you would be there to lead me, you would be there to help me. I could ask the darkness to hide me or the light around me to turn into night, but even the darkness is not dark for you, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart. When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother's womb, when I was growing there in secret, you knew that I was there and you saw me before I was born. The days allotted to me had all been recorded in your book, before any of them ever began." [Psalm 139:1-16]

Opening for Steve Bell

That's right! I'm the opening act for Steve Bell tomorrow night in Indianapolis. If anyone is close, please come out and support Steve and I. The cost is only $10 at the door, and you get 2 hours of top notch Americana and Canadian acoustic delights. I can't put into words how stoked I am about this! Thanks be to God for this honor, and for the opportunity to talk with Steve again. He is truly a delightful and Godly man; a joy to be around. For anyone wondering, the gig is at the 7th Day Adventist church building on South Bluff Rd. in Indianapolis. The show starts at 7:30 p.m. Hope to see you there!

Good Discussion

Just wanted to make a pointer to Joel Wilson's blog, "Analysis Analyzed." There is a good "manly" discussion going on there about "What makes me a man?" Take a look here at the blog entitled "What makes you a man? cont."

Prayer for a Broken Soul

Well, I'm breaking context here, and I'm posting more than one in a week. Autumn is getting to be in full swing here in Southern Indiana, and I'm in paradise! Yeah, there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here in the woods in the middle of October. Thanks be to God for the dear Nuns who have given us this opportunity, and above all, Glory to God for all things!

Ok, after being thankful for the splendor of the trees exploding into color, I'm also thankful for the flood of songs that I feel being pulled out of this soulful wreckage of a man. In being thankful, I'd like to share a prayer here that is also a song; one that I'm proud of and thankful for. It's rare that I write something that I'm really proud of, and this is one of the very few. It's also a deep prayer to God for forgiveness, strength, faith, hope, and love. As with all things of God, He never disappoints and always answers prayers made in humility, and belive me, this one was and is. The prayer and song is based on my own struggles to believe, but also the story of "Eustace and the Dragon" in the 3rd Book of the series "The Chronicles of Narnia" which is titled, "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" (Sorry, but I have to put this...) Music & Lyrics by Luke Seraphim Beecham, Copyright 2003 for Six Winged Soul Music.

Lord, I long to know You Lord, I long to see your Face Lord, I long for you to hold me In your sweet embrace

Bruised and blistered I’ve become, longing just to see the sun of your love Shining on my face Blood in every step I take from carrying these chains I make to hold me Away from You And with the talon of your love, you slay the dragon I’ve become And reveal the creature that You’ve made

Now as the winter of my sin settles deep into my skin, I ache, I ache And I feel the frost of grief that’s frozen all of my belief And my heart breaks And in my rags of poverty I kneel with all that’s left in me And You wash me with your Grace

But the mountains would not seem so high without the valley low And without the blast of sins since past how would we ever know Of a Love that we only imagine in our wildest dreams And the grace that winds the Autumn road of all our selfish schemes

Still, Sister Moon shines on me just the same Though I’m filled with doubt, regret, fear and shame And if I turn back to her soft glow I’ll radiate and start to show The same hollowed surface that makes us both reflect

42nd Diocesan Assembly: A Report

Well, once again it has been a week since I've posted. As usual, it's due to the fact that I've been too busy, and mainly because I've been out of town. I just spent the last 3 days at the 42nd Diocesan Assembly for the Diocese of the Midwest of the O.C.A. Without going into too much detail, I will simply say that the trip was AWESOME! All agenda items put forward passed overwhelmingly, the fellowship with other priests, deacons, and laymen and women was a true blessing, and I had the great fortune of meeting Fr. Michael Anderson, the youth director for the O.C.A. and also Fr. Robert Kondratick, the Chancellor for the O.C.A. It was my profound honor to sit by Fr. Mike, Fr. Daniel Rentel (our dean) and Igumen Vladimir for dinner. The conversation was heartwarming, as was the vodka and wine...:-) I am so grateful to my parish and the parish council who supported me financially, and for Fr. Joseph who chose to send me as his delegate as he could not attend for medical reasons. As Ginger Clemens said, "One man's bane is another man's blessing, eh?" Indeed Ms. Ginger, indeed! The Divine services were more breath-taking than I can describe in words, as was the Cathedral where we held them. I was able to witness the ordinations of Reader Zachariah (Doug Trent) to the Sub-Deaconate, and of Sub-Deacon Philip (Vern Lashbrook) to the Deaconate. I had a great time, and above all, was reminded once again about what a Godly Bishop I have, and was blessed to hear other stories of love about this unassuming man, who is celebrating three different anniversaries (10, 20, and 30 year milestones as Diocesan Bishop, Ordination to the Episcopacy, and Ordination to the priesthood, respectively) and shared his joy and thanksgiving with us all. Thanks be to God for Bp. Job, and may God grant him many years! EIS POLLA ETI, DHESPOTA!

Convert-itis

Yeah, yeah, so it's been a long time since I posted. I've been outta town, and writing a fair bit o' music lately, so the blog lapsed. However, it's time to post again, so here we go!

Ok, after reading some recent posts and comments on other blogs, and after a fabulous and life-filled weekend with some very good friends in Illinois, I have a bit of a rant to go on...convertitis. Where should I begin? Well, perhaps I'll start with why I'm ranting. Being a convert to Orthodoxy myself (in so many uncertain terms...) I know that I'm going to border dangerously on shining the light on my own failures. The content of some of the posts and more importantly, the comments to those posts was, in my opinion, disappointing. Also, as far as visiting friends go; our friends in Illinois know a couple that converted to Orthodoxy about a year ago, and have a bad case of convertitis, which also contributes to my rant. For those who may wonder what I'm talking about, convertitis is this: Protestant (usually) or other Christian who converts to Orthodox Christianity and then proceeds to convince everyone they've ever known that they are now "right" and everyone else is "wrong" or not in the Church at all. Here's my rant.

Why? Why, why, why, why, why? Isn't it enough that we've found the ancient faith? Isn't it enough that God is more merciful than we could ever dream of in our fallen state? Isn't it enough that Christ himself gave his very life as a sacrifice for our sin so that we may live? Isn't it enough to just know within ourselves that our heritage is joy unspeakable? Why is there this incessant need to TALK!! Why is there this driving force of evangelistic piety and talking "down to?" I'm tired of hearing about this. I suppose as long as we are fallen, it will continue to happen, but I still don't have to like it. So many of us found Orthodoxy and fell in love with the Living Tradition of it, and more importantly, with the Living God who fills its very Sacramental life. Why then must so many feel compelled to raise the sceptre of righteousness above their heads and strike the hearts of all those who don't recognize the "fullness of the faith" in the Orthodox Church? Our friends acquaintances are on the far end of this rope, cutting off those who would disagree with their beliefs. They disregard basic, God-given friendship and love in exchange for piety and religion. And as for the more subtle of the sickness, there is this incessant need to try and convert all other Christians that we come in contact with under the guise that we are somehow "saving" them from the wiles and evils of Protestantism. Don't get me wrong, I think that there are many very dangerous heresies out there. However, there seems to be simply just too much talking AT and not enough talking TO, or maybe even better, too little LISTENING to those around us. Lord have mercy!

Janna and I were talking about this tonight, and we believe that much of it lies in the heart of the conversion of Western-minded, evangelical, fundamentalists into the Orthodox Church. So much of western Christianity is saturated with the Great Commission. So many other Christians I meet are driven by the commission to save souls and win hearts for Jesus over all other things. I am disheartened by this drive and lack of vision, wherever I see it, be it Protestantism, Rome, or Orthodoxy. When this mindset is then inundated with Orthodox theology, sometimes there becomes this dangerous mix of, "My task is still to win souls, but now I'm RIGHT and must win souls not only to Jesus, but to the RIGHT church." It is this response that so many people in the E.O.C. found distasteful in the past, and so many good hearted, faithful believers find repulsive now. I mean honestly, how many of us would want to listen to anyone that stands on the platform of "true faith" and "right worship" and talks down to us as we are looking for real answers? Compassion for where I'm at now; often non-existent.

I propose a much simpler means of evangelization...living a life of love. And I don't mean Orthodox evangelization, I mean simple, beyond explanation, witnessing to Love. I myself was "saved" and eventually converted to Orthodoxy by love; pure and simple. Someone gave themselves up as a sacrifice to God for me, and I saw it and wanted what it was that they had. I saw a peace in them and their belief about God. I saw that no matter what was happening around them, their peace came from a different Source, and their strength was inflamed by a liturgy of life and prayer. How many of you experienced this as well? I have a notion that the more I love people and let my life be an example of Love, no matter how poor that example may be, I will save thousands around me. If I deign to proclaim the Gospel at all times, and if necessary, use words, then those who are lost may be found. Quite simply, Jesus never spoke much about theology. Sure, He knew the Law and not only obeyed it in every way, but fulfilled it so that we might be free in it. He spoke of loving God with our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength, and our neighbor as ourselves. In writing all of this, I am more aware than ever that I'm the cause of much pain and suffering; me, Luke Seraphim in all of my splendor. Most of the pain that I've caused has come from my tongue (sharper than a sword at times) and I've fallen WAY short of the glory to which I was born. Still, I will aspire to reach that from which I was cast for my own salvation; Paradise and the arms of my Creator. And, on the way back, I hope that I will be able to love and seek the lost more than I am able to breathe. In the words of Bill Mallonee, "No winners and losers; same in the end. I was hoping for a perfect world, no shirts, no skins." Amen Bill, amen. While Orthodoxy may be the truth and the ancient faith, we are not called to draw a box and distinguish who are shirts and who are skins. I know that God meets His children wherever they may be, and I am called simply to bear witness to the Light, and above all things, to have fervent love for my brothers and sisters. The choice of which tradition to follow is not as important as the initial choice to seek God all the days of our lives. In doing this, He will reveal the path ahead, and He will call us all to His One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. And in the end, isn't Orthodoxy just about learning how to Love God and all mankind more fervently anyway? Don't all the Fathers point to Christ and to learning how to love Him? Perhaps if we all focus more on Love himself and less on loving ourselves and "getting it right" we can radically change the Church and many lives around us. Lord grant us all the wisdom, strength, and love to do just that, in our strength and in our poverty; and even so Lord Jesus, come quickly!

Diagnostics Completed

So sorry; me been gone for rong time. Wow. I must say, this has been a very good and enlightening discussion. Thank you to all who took time to comment and post about this topic. I feel compelled to make a few last remarks before closing this topic. To Alana: thank you for your comments especially. What you stated seems to capture exactly what I'm thinking about this whole thing. It was never my intent to come off as accusing and un-compassionate. I merely think that the world as a whole gives in much more frequently to their emotions than is truly Good, and then wind up in the pit of despair (said in a Princess Bride voice) and society, rather than turn to God and Church, prefers to medicate rather than seek the truth. In many cases, the truth may be that an individual's brain has an imbalance of chemicals, and therefore needs medication to help a soul in distress. This should never be seen as a bad or evil thing. I am thankful for medical science being able to help those that truly need help. Besides the main purpose of this post (to seek out truth and other opinions) my driving point/opinion in all of this has been that I believe our world is caught up in the sin of running from pain. We live in a pleasure driven culture that seeks all selfishness and despises sacrifice and asceticism. The key to being free from painful thoughts and feelings, guilt and shame, is to simply "take something" or "drink something" that will pacify what feels wrong. We all know about that big empty hole in our hearts that aches to be filled. Unfortunately, modern opinion would be to fill it with everything but Christ, which in the end is no new lie. "Nothing new under the sun..." As fallen human beings, we often operate on the "pain/pleasure principle." I spoke to the campers about this at St. John's camp this year. With Believers, this has to stop. Jesus did not operate on this principle. He never stayed where he was wanted, and he never hurried away from where he wasn't wanted. He did what the Father asked of Him in all things, and I believe that we are called to do the same. We go neither towards pleasure or away from pain. Besides, many times what I perceive to be pleasure, and then go for it, turns out to be gold covered dirt anyway. As Solomon says, it's like chasing the wind; all is vanity. May God give us the grace to follow His commandments and not our own selfishness!

Diagnostics? cont...

More on the subject of depression...Hmmm...good questions. Good comments James and Joel. (See Comments: Diagnostics?) Much to chew on. As for the questions from a certain short neighbor...

Not being anything near an authority on the subject, I think that persistent, recurring unhappiness would be depression, yes. I think I'd say that feeling "blue" would also fall into that category. I'm not sure where you're going with asking what we want out of life, but if this is also a contributing factor to depression, then, hmmm... no I'm not quite sure yet what I want or what God asks of me (or Janna and I) right now. I think this can lead to a spirit of discontent, but I would seperate that from depression.

I think that all of these feelings; blue, sad, discontentment, and being unsure of what you want, are definately signs of being depressed. However, what human being doesn't have days or perhaps even lots of days like this? I even made a previous post about being depressed because I was lonely here in the woods, yet a few days later I was better. My spiritual father says that many times, depression and all those feelings I described, can be attributed to the "unknown-ness" that lay ahead. I especially like to know what's coming, and I don't like anything messing with my life and changing things around. Rather that letting God guide me, I'd rather that He tell me what the rest of my life is gonna be. (Where's the fun in that, eh?) But I can seperate the "blue" days from the "grey" and those from the happy days. Despite having depressing days, I can honestly say that everyday, I smile and find much to be thankful for and happy about. Doesn't mean I'm done whining or being depressed. Fr. Schmemann wrote in his journals about dealing with a depressed woman. He says, "Yesterday I had a long pastoral talk with a woman in deep depression." He lists some of the reasons for her depression and then says this, "Total darkness, a state of blasphemy. While we were talking I felt quite clearly the demonic character of a depression. I felt her acceptance, willing acceptance of blasphemy. I felt also the weakness and inadequacy of psychiatry and psychoanalysis. There is no way that they can drag people out of this darkness 'if the light that is in you is darkness...' I told her; you can do only one thing, renounce blasphemy, eject yourself out of this lie, this surrender. You cannot do more, but this is the beginning."

I think that this is precisely where I'm coming from. As I stated before, I would not assume to ever "diagnose" anyone properly, as I do believe that there are people with chemical imbalances. I simply think that they are not as plentiful as we would be made to believe. I think James is absolutely right in saying that many times it is about feelings: "I think people in our society today are terrorized by their feelings. There is the unwritten rule that you should follow your feelings regardless of the consequences, and I think people are often shocked to find out that following their feelings doesn't produce the results they want." The woman with whom Father Alexander spoke, put in todays context, would most likely have been told that she was severly depressed and needed medication. Rather than being told that, "Hey, you are loved and despite all the pain in your life, God is still just as present now as he ever was." she gets medicated. Can this really help her? Is it really "loving" her to give her candy when what she needs is much more? What happens when she wants to go off the medicine? Will she again slide into a depressed state, and perhaps be worse off than before, becuase the root of the problem was not addressed? It just seems to me that, as per the cultural norm, the answer is to shut off the bad feelings and go after the good. Everyone wants to be happy, but so many seem to be unable to be genuinely happy. I talk to so many people (and fight it in myself) who seem to feel constantly alone. This, I believe, more than anything is at the root of many evils and depression. In our Western, individualistic society, we have fooled ourselves into believing that "I don't need anybody. I can use them when I do, but I will decide the course of MY life....etc." Again people, I'm not saying that I fully understand all of this, just that I have some opinions, and I am open to learning more. I have several very good, close friends who are on meds, and in no way are my questions an attack on them, merely an opportunity for growth and understanding. Again, let me know what you think!

Diagnostics?

Ok. Here's a question for y'all. In asking this, I'm well aware that some of you may very well be the object of my inquiry, but so be it. Hopefully you will have a good response. My wife and I were talking about depression and modern diagnosis of the condition. It seems that every time we watch T.V. we can hardly avoid a commercial asking if we have "these symptoms," and if so, we should consider seeking medical help because we very well could be depressed; which can be none other than a chemical imbalance and we are in need of expensive medication. The medication, of course, is readily available by the pharmaceutical company that paid to air the commercial during prime time. Now on to the next part...

While in New Hampshire recently (see previous post) one of the other two graduates at J.D.'s ceremony spoke of being depressed. All three of the graduates were asked to prepare a 10-15 minute speech about what life at the Mansion had been like, and how God had worked in them the past year. Karl (the one to whom I'm referring) spoke about a life of drugs and depression. When he arrived at the Mansion (which by the way is not a rehab facility; they accept no one who does not come willingly, and while the "students" must stay at the mansion while in the program, they are free to leave at any time. Back to Karl...) he was on meds for depression. He spoke of being consistently tired during work, barn chores, prayer & share time, and study times. Most of the time, he had to be propped up or kept awake by his peers and mentors. He spoke of praying to God to help him with this, and after some time, decided that he needed to cease taking the meds and attempt to live "drug free" with the help of God. He then stated that after only a few days off of the anti-depressants, he felt more awake, full of vigor, and happier than he had in a long time. He's been off them for months now, and has said that he was depressed, and still gets depressed because of a cycle of guilt and shame and unrepentance in his life. He said, "A lifestyle of sin, distrust, and shame; yeah, that'll make you depressed. That'll give you psychological issues. But the love of Jesus sets you free to hope and remember that you are loved despite your ugliness."

So, the question goes...While I am aware that there are people who TRULY do have a chemical imbalance and are in need of medication, where does/should the line get drawn? I see and know more and more people who are suddenly being diagnosed as "depressed" and are on Zoloft or Prozac. In many cases, these are Christians. Before I get a comment on it, no, I'm not a cultitst that believes that Christians should avoid medication because "Jesus heals all things if we just have enough faith to claim the healing..." I just don't think that it's the fact that "medical science" can now help more people to be properly diagnosed and then medicate that. I see our society as a whole slipping down the tubes, and a big part of that is the refusal to accept consequences for our actions, and hence the over-medication of the general population. The worst part of it is that children are not left out. There are more kids on Prozac, Zoloft, and Ritalin now that there ever have been in the past. SO, what do you say people? I'm eager to hear your responses.

New Hampshire

Welll, it's been a week since I've posted, but for good reason. I returned on Fri. from a trip to New Hampshire to see J.D. Curry graduate from His Mansion Ministries, after a year long stay there. The whole trip was beautiful and so full of light and grace. I'm having a hard time finding words that will do the whole trip justice, but I'll try. God is truly amazing and so full of love for His creation. First of all, as a report, J.D. is doing great. He has a peace about him that I haven't seen for many years, and his willingness to accept his own mistakes and limitations is astounding and also a blessing. I was honored to be there for his graduation, and amazed at the love bestowed on me and Jim and Susie by the staff there at His Mansion. I commented to Janna after I returned, that one can always tell when you are in the presence of true believers. Jesus said that "the world will know (them) by (their) love." This is precisely what I experience that truly reaches into that inner place in my heart and burns with love returned. I can't imagine anything more pleasing to God that when His servants love one another. It makes no difference whether we are Protestant, Roman Catholic, or Orthodox, the love of God is the thing we need to show to each other and the world. It was this love and acceptance that above all things made me feel welcome and also seemed to transcend the veil that the world casts on life, and for a brief shining instance you see REAL life; more alive and vibrant than you ever dreamed possible.

The rest of the the trip can be summed up by one experience...summiting Mt. Washington. Mt. Washington is 6, 300 ft. tall, and is the highest point in the Northeast. We left His Mansion in the fog and rain, and it was a two hour drive to Mt. Washington. J.D. really wanted to go and stand there one last time before he left. He had hiked over it twice before during his Appalachian Trail days. I'm sure there is a special connection there for him. Anyway, we left and drove up there, already expecting the worst, as it was a crummy day. We arrived at the special access road to the top and the Ranger informed us that, not only was it very expensive to go up, but visibility at the top was only 50 feet. We all glanced up the mountain to see the top 1/3 covered in clouds. Well, here's the kicker; I knew how much this trip meant to J.D., and I also really wanted to see off the top of the mountain, so I prayed for a good portion of the trip; giving thanks to God for everything, and also praying for friends and family, etc. One of the things I asked the Lord was that he let the sun shine for just one hour so that J.D. would have this one last gift before he left for Alaska. Well, God never disappoints. Lo and behold, we got 2/3 up the side of the mountain, and all of the clounds parted and the sun came out full force. The entire hour we spent hiking around the summit, the sun stayed out and the winds died down. As soon as we got in the car and began heading back down the mountain, the clouds and fog rolled in and the sun disappeared. One of the scientists that staff the weather stations on the mountain, commented to us about how rare the weather was. He said that they get about 3 really clear days a year there, and this was really odd. Alleluia! Thanks be to God for the gift of sunlight! Well, needless to say, I was amazed, and then I felt ashamed. I hadn't really believed that God would do it. I felt like, "Why would he clear up the sky just for my stupid prayer?" Lord have mercy. Of course He did it. He did it because I asked. No pride, no hidden agendas, just a simple request. Why do I ever doubt that perfect love? Wow.

Well, needless to say, it was an amazing trip. There's so much more I could say, but words would never do it justice. I can only describe the way the dew looked on that green grass, and the way the fog hung like a shroud on the mountainside there at the Mansion. However, this doesn't equate to seeing it with your own eyes, and feeling it in your soul. God is indeed full of amazing grace, and the beauty of His Creation is more than I can bear sometimes. It breaks my heart with a longing for that new earth that will never pass away. I sincerely hope that C.S. Lewis is right in "The Last Battle" of the Chronicles of Narnia, when he descibes how the New Narnia (New Earth) "looked just like the old one, only more so." Rich Mullins has a song lyric that goes, "No one ever tells you when you get born here, how much you'll come to love it but how you'll never belong here." Yeah, that's about it. Just as on the top of the mountain, looking out over all that beauty that God made, I'll ever cry, EVEN SO LORD JESUS, COME QUICKLY!

Episode IV: A New Hope

Pardon the Star Wars geeky-ness. I am excited to see my brother, crackers from the Westside, and Bachelor Pad of Glory alumni and current B.P.O.G. brothers this weekend! Supposedly 6-8 guys will be coming with their instruments and frisbees, and will be bringing me beer (oh precious Guinness, thou art fairer still...) and flesh meats. Oh happy day! And, as an added bonus, my precious little God-daughter is coming for a visit! Thank you Father!

B.S. & T. Day

Yes, that's right. Today has been mostly a "Spinnin' Wheel" Day. (Old Blood, Sweat, and Tears song...if you don't know it, you should) I'm believing more and more that men go through some type of "cycle" just like women do every month. Perhaps it's the moon's gravitational pull. Perhaps it's the closeness of Mars. Perhaps it's the 36 oz. of Italian Roast coffee. Perhaps it's the secret black box government mind control tests. I don't know. All I know is that sometimes I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. Content one moment and cranky the next; much like my little Goddaughter. I'm learning so much about myself from her. I never would have guessed that I would see more of the Truth from a 4 week old baby. I'm beginning to see the great blessing in having children. Not sure if I'm ready for my own yet...

Tess cries one moment, eats the next, and then goes to sleep...not much different from most adults I know; just a lot less complicated. I suppose not much different than me. :-) (Except for the complicated part of course.)Which, begs the question: Why does she seem so content, and I seem so unsatisfied? With some thinking, I believe that I am starting to understand Christ's words, "...you must become like little children..." When I look into Tessa's eyes, I see complete humility & meekness, simple trust, unconditional love, and deep serenity. She trusts me completely, and without question. There is no hint of doubt in her eyes. She looks at me when I hold her with this love that permeates the cloud that hangs on my heart, and I know that her love for me is not dependent on the fact that I'm holding her, becuase I see it everytime she gazes at me. And the peace in that gaze...good Lord! How I long to be wrapped in that! To be held in the love and peace that I see there in her eyes.

What is it then that happens to us; to me. To go from that to this; from peace to fear; from trust to doubt. Why do I wrap myself up in all the cares of this world? Why do I buy from the brokers of lies? Why do I believe the lie that I am alone in this world; that no one is out there? Why, when I have the unconditional love of The Lover, do I let myself feel rejected and unworthy? Why can't I just simply TRUST in that Love? I mean, Jesus came to ME, Luke, and I still feel alone!!! I see now why I need to go back, in a sense. If it's true that, because of the Lie and ultimately our choice, the world is upside down, then the path of wisdom lies in becoming a child again. So, I suppose it's true that everything I ever needed to know, I learned in kindergarten. Or, perhaps even sooner. Perhaps I was born with everything I needed to know, and I've just chosen to forget it. Scary thought. I'm born with the knowledge of God, all the trust and grace I'll ever need, and yet now, 25 years later, I've got to work hard just to remember that I'm still His.

So how does it end then? The more I get the blessing of holding little Tess, the more I think I understand. Everything Jesus ever said was so simple that "even" children could understand it. I (and most likely all adults) add on the "even" to the children. As if we really ever understand. Yet, for all of the things our Lord said, so many of the "intellectuals" of the time had absolutely NO idea what he meant. The children seemed to get it just fine! I think Solomon summed it up best by saying, "I've found that God created us to be very simple; and we have made ourselves very complicated." Look at the troubles that divide humanity; war, racism, greed, power, sex, etc. A child cares for none of it! She learn's to care about it. We, in all of our wisdom, raise kids to be "adults" and to think "maturely" on their own. We teach them to fear. "Be careful! Watch out! That choice may lead you to suffering. You don't want to hurt do you?" "Make sure you keep your grades up." "You want to go to college and be "successful" don't you?" "Make sure you don't get married until you're out of college and have a stable job; You're not old enough to make good decisions yet." and on and on and on. The sad thing is, this permeates the Church as well. For instance, "You can go to church camp as long as you won't get kicked off the football team for missing practice." "No, you can't quit school for a semester and go on a missions trip! Do you want to throw away the best years of your life?" "Your ball games are on Sundays? Well, I guess we'll just have to miss church for a few weeks." We teach our kids that what matters most isn't knowing God and living a life of love; it's getting a good education so that they can have a great career that will provide them with a stable future so that they won't have to suffer. They learn to distrust God, and then are robbed of wonder. Life becomes so regimented that it loses all sense of awe. Is it any suprise then that suicide is the number one killer of adolescents? Then, after telling them all this, we read them scripture and tell them that God should be most important in our lives. It's a double standard. Why do we look suprised then when less and less of todays youth desire to serve the Lord in ministry? Why do we water down the Gospel until it just becomes a nice "idea?" Rich Mullins says, "Christianity is not about building a perfect little niche in the world, where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little kids in your perfect little house, where there are no gays or minority groups around you."

I wholeheartedly agree, and I can only pray that as I am transformed into being God's in the measure He so desires, that I will pass on to my God-daughter, and eventually (God-willing) my own kids a sense of the wonder and awe that He has bestowed upon me. I can teach them to laugh and love all of their lives, and by my example to remember that living a life of love is more important than living a life of limited liabilities. Perhaps, in doing this, I will remember what it was like to love unconditionally and without fear of rejection, and finally acquire inner peace and complete trust in the all sufficient Grace of God. All I know is that I see Him in little Tessa's eyes, and I never want to look away. That's contentment! Glory to God for All Things!

Nap Town

Back from a short weekend in Nap Town. (That's Indy for all ye uninitiated.) I thought I should perhaps post again about the whole depression thing. While I often do feel lonely here in the woods, I also somehow feel at peace too. Being back in the city was fabuolous, and only makes me miss it more. However, being back also makes me realize how much of a gift this time away has been, and still will be. I can't quite put my finger on it, but somehow, it just seems that way. I think it just makes me appreciate my family and friends, and also the parish there even more. It's kind of like when you go on a family vacation, you have a ball, but by the end of the week (or two) you can think of a billion places you'd rather be than with your family, and you can't wait until the vacation is over because they're all about to drive you over that fine line between sanity and madness. How's the old saying go, "You never miss something until it's gone..." I find this to be more and more true; city life, family, friends, youth, innocence, Starbucks... (Had to throw that last one in. :-) )

I'm such a fickle creature. On the one hand I want peace and simplicity, yet I have a cell phone and computer; I take a rest in the country, and then pine for the city; I say I want to love the Lord God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and my neighbor as myself, and then go about forgetting Him and cursing my neighbor for interfering in MY life! I say that I want to give the Lord my whole life, and instead, I second guess Him as to what He's doing with it. Why? Because it's too painful! Why do I make these stipulations? I've thought more and more about this since Summer Camp. Our theme this year was Ephesians 5:1-2, and 1 Peter 4:8. It talks about "...living a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us..." The more I consider this verse, the more I'm ashamed of my own unwillingness to do that very thing. Christ gave Himslef up for us without any stipulations. He obeyed the Father in all things. His love was unconditional. My own love is so cheap compared to that! "Use me Lord; oh, but not in that way and this way. And, if at all possible, I'd like to avoid any pain and suffering." Lord Have Mercy!

It seems that more and more this world is sliding into the abyss of self satisfaction and complete disregard for true love. Even modern Christianity is touched by it all. So much of what I see on T.V. or listen to on radio is about God giving us an annointing to amass wealth and power. Sure, it's easy to follow God's will for your life if it involves wealth and power. Wow. As blessed C.S. Lewis says, "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud-pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Depressed

It's 5:30 a.m. and I'm wide awake, having gone to bed at 9:00 last night. It has occurred to me more and more lately that I'm depressed. I'm usually a pretty happy guy, but I miss my friends in the city. I really (arrogantly) thought that I'd do just fine here in the country, but apparantly that's not the case. I'm always on the quest to know myself better, but most times I just fail miserably at it, and then wind up right here again. Depressed. Who was it that said, "Know thyself." I'd like to thank him and then shoot him. Can you ever really KNOW yourself?

In doing some analysis, it seems that I thought I needed wide open spaces (and perhaps I do...to explore my dixie chic side...) but I am so energized being around other people. Hence, a city type setting, which can be stressful, but I love the options and the possibility of seeing people when I would like to. However, I am so calmed and at peace here in the woods as well, and often felt the sense in the city that I needed to get away. Perhaps I just need to set better boundaries. Ahhhh....the magic word. Janna gets on me all the time about having clear boundaries. I tend to say yes and no rather than, "I don't know" or "I'll think about it..." Get's me into more trouble than anything else. And then, being here in this depressed space, I suddenly find myself wanting to turn to all the old passions to "pacify" what doesn't feel so good in me. You know, kind of like giving candy to a spoiled kid. Sure, they'll shut up, but you'll only have reinforced the rotten character. Why do we do this to ourselves. "Satiate and gratify, feed yourself, believe the lie..." (Those are copyrighted lyrics, so hands off...) ;-) It seems that I live, perhaps with others in this pattern, on a continuous winding path. The only problem is that is just keeps going 'round. Over and over and over and over and over again; much like a broken carousel. I can deal with that if I only knew that it was slowly widing upwards; "further up and deeper in" to quote the blessed C.S. Lewis. However, most of the time it just feels like I'm endlessly spinning around, while being sucked to the outside of the circle and at some point, I'm gonna get sick and puke. Perhaps that's what purgation is then...I get so tired of the loop and so dizzy and sick with sin that I have to spew it out in order to start again. Hmmm...confession...such a pain in the ass and yet a real blessing in such dismal times. Wisdom? Perhaps. At any rate, it's lonely here...

Ooops...late for breakfast...the lady beckoneth me...

Tired

Ok, so I'm excited to begin blogging. However, it's too late to begin now, and anything I might say might incriminate me for several things, so I suppose I should quit while I'm ahead. Peace and all good things!

Comments?

Hmmm......not figuring out how to have a comment section...

This is my blog! I have blogged it! Wow. I too feel special!