Seminary & Priesthood

“Clericalism suffocates; it makes part of itself into the whole sacred character of the Church; it makes its power a sacred power to control, to lead, to administer; a power to perform sacraments, and, in general, it makes any power a “power given to me”! Clericalism separates all “sacredness” from the lay people: the iconostasis, communion (only by permission), theology. In short, clericalism is de facto denial of the Church as the body of Christ, for in the body, all organs are related and different only in their functions, but not in their essence. And the more clericalism “clericalizes” ( the traditional image of the bishop or the priest – emphasized by his clothes, hair, e.g., the bishop in full regalia!), the more the Church itself becomes more worldly; spiritually submits itself to this world. In the New Testament, the priest is presented as the ideal layman. But almost immediately there begins his increasingly radical separation from the lay people; and not only separation, but opposition to lazy people, contrast to them. The tragedy of theological education lies in the fact that young people who seek priesthood are – consciously or unconsciously – seeking this separation, power, this rising above the laity. Their thirst is strengthened and generated by the whole system of theological education, of clericalism.” ~Fr. Alexander Schmemann [Journals, pp. 310 & 311]

Have I ever really heard a call to serve, or have I just always tried to please those whom I admire? Have I ever really wanted to be a truly humble servant, or do I simply want to be admired myself, recognized, and well thought of? Is it "me as Christ," or "Christ in me?" Have others actually seen a “call” on my life, or have they simply seen good leadership qualities?

~And so I begin yet another period of reflection on why I ever wanted to seek the priesthood in the first place. Lord have mercy.~

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

A small handful of people prayed The Akathist of Thanksgiving: Glory to God for All Things! (written by Fr. Gregory Petroff in a Russian 'gulag' before he was martyred) last night in lieu of Vespers. It was truly wonderful and my heart is so full of thanksgiving to God! To all who read this, may the Lord bless you and keep you this day of thanks and praise to Him for all good gifts! Or, as my priest put it, "...on this national day of Eucharist!" :: Luke Seraphim "We give you thanks Christ God for Your earthly gifts! Do not deprive us of Your heavenly kingdom. But as You came among Your disciples O Saviour, giving them Your peace, come also among us, and save us."

Annika Lily

Annika Lily Beecham - September 21, 2004 

I am ecstatic and proud to say that I am now officially an uncle of a beautiful little angel - Annika Lily Beecham. Born September 21st at approx. 2:30 a.m., 7lbs 6oz, 19in., sandy brown hair, blue eyes. The proud parents are my brother Jon and my sister-in-law Allison. Thank you Father, Son, & Holy Spirit for a safe delivery and a healthy, beautiful baby girl for my brother! Glory to God for All Things!

I Smell the Fresh Baked Bread of Heaven...

Well, these are classics... Hope they make you cry. Cheers! No Brains Windows Media Spirit is Moving Windows Media Fresh Baked Bread Must have Real Player. Save to disk; then open. It's worth it! Sound of Abundance Real Video Feeling Deep Down Inside Me Real Video Sound of Abundance II Real Video

Summer Camp Approacheth

Ok, so it's been the usual month since I've posted.  Wow, sad.  I hope to find some sense of normalcy in about 3 weeks, and the chance to post more often.  Janna and I have been somewhat in a state of constant "flux" for about 6 months now; from living with our good friends Eric and Carrie in Greenville, IL,  to living with our priest and his family, we are starting to feel like vagabonds or perhaps nomads.  However, we will soon be back in our own house, with our own stuff, and are very excited.  Half of our stuff is stored at my folks house, so it will be like Christmas when we go get it, because we have no idea what's there. :-)  Anyway... I thought I'd put in a little plug for our summer camp, and lay a few thoughts out on the table.  First off, the camp is August 1-6, and I'm getting all geared up for it.  Our board has performed remarkably as always, and have been more support and help than I could ever hope for.  We've hired a staff of 20 people, mostly younger college-age young adults, which is a little frightening, but at the same time is a real blessing.  They are my closest friends, and despite all the weaknesses that course through their flaming youth (just as it did and still does mine) I know that they love the Lord more than life itself, and are coming because they want to share that with this group of about 50 kids who need to see the Love of God more than anything.  I am so thankful for each of them!  So, for all who read this, I would ask that you pray specifically for the 50 kids and 20 staff who will make up St. John's Summer Camp next week.  Pray for protection, mercy, grace, and peace.  There are a number of kids who will be coming who are really hurting, and I pray that their hearts will be touched, and perhaps they'll make the decision to "put off the old man" just as so many of us did so long ago...perhaps at Summer Camp.  Thank you in advance for your prayers! Now, on to the thoughts...  I mentioned above that Janna and I feel like vagabonds, and although that feeling can be very disconcerting, I think that it has also been a blessing.  I've been reminded often this last year of the scriptures and hence the song by Rich Mullins called "You Did Not Have A Home" about Jesus.  Scripture says:

Luke 9:57-62  As they went on their way, a man said to Jesus, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus said to him, "Foxes have holes, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lie down and rest."  He said to another man, "Follow me." But that man said, "Sir, first let me go back and bury my father."  Jesus answered, "Let the dead bury their own dead. You go and proclaim the Kingdom of God."  Someone else said, "I will follow you, sir; but first let me go and say good-bye to my family."   Jesus said to him, "Anyone who starts to plow and then keeps looking back is of no use for the Kingdom of God."

So, my point in all of this is that maybe it's not so bad to feel homeless.  I feel that way most of the time.  I'm sure I border dangerously on sounding like a crackpot, but the way I really feel most of the time is this deep longing to pull back the curtain; like there's this very thin veil that separates this life and this earth from what real life and real earth look like.  I am constantly filled with a longing, or perhaps even an aching to be able to see everything as it really is.  Janna and I were riding back from Oliver Winery last Sunday, after having a farewell winery trip for Ange, and suddenly I just lost it.  I mean, there I was, wearing my gargantuan blueblockers, and dumbfounded and dumbstruck I found myself just weeping silently.  And Janna turns and like the wonderful wife she is, she asks, "What's wrong?  What are you thinking about?"  The funny thing is, I was having really happy thoughts at the time.  But they were primarily about the early EOC days, and even more so about the whole Jesus movement.  I was thinking about the innocence and purity of an entire generation coming to Jesus, and something about the music that was playing in my head seemed to trigger this outpouring of tears.  I wept because as we were driving up 37, looking on all of that beauty that the Lord created, I got this overwhelming aching in my heart and soul to just be There.  All of the memories I have, all of the old movies I've watched or books I've read about different periods in the Church's life, and all I could see around me was all of that disappearing.  You know, kind of like when the Elves are leaving Middle Earth and sailing into the West.  It's beautiful, but there's this overwhelming sadness that so much Light and Beauty is going out of the world.  And while I'm just sitting there with all of this gratitude and grief, sorrow and joy welling up inside of me, I once again have this old feeling that there's just this thin "layer" that separates us from Reality.  And it wasn't that I was longing for it to be "like it used to" or anything, I just had this sense of innocence lost, and the dark getting even darker.  Kind of like King Theodon says in LOTR, "What can men do against such wreckless hatred?"  I can't describe it better than that, and if I try any harder, the men in the white coats will most likely be paying me a visit soon.

So what's my point?  Well, like I said before, I think it's ok to feel homeless.  I've got more good friends and am more blessed with love and beauty in this life than I could ever have hoped for, and yet, I still feel lonely at times; kind of like I just don't quite fit here.  But, that longing always brings me back to God, because I know that's what I ache for: to be Home.  I'm only 26, and already I'm tired.  I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of the fight.  I'm tired of sin.  I'm tired of death.  I'm tired of the devil.  But even so, there's so much beauty here as well.  It's so good here at times!  I love this life so much, and there's so much left to see and do before I die.  And above all, there's my beautiful and loving bride whome I can't imagine life without.  In the end, I suppose Jesus was homeless because what other home could he have?  This life is good, but it is fleeting.  The world is dying.  Evil is becoming more evil, and I fear that the good things of this Earth are slowly passing away into the abyss of sin and death, and I grieve.  I know I'm not done yet, and there's so much work to do, but all the same I ache for the day when I'm Home.  I catch glimpses here and there; in the glimmer of radiance in the eyes of my wife, in the beauty of the Sanctuary, and in the love of friends and family.  And I know that while I often feel alone, the Lord is always here, and I find the most comfort in that He makes His home in my heart.  And so there is where my deepest longings lie, and there is where my tears begin to well up, because I think sometimes that when we weep, it is because the Holy Spirit is filling our lives and God Himself weeps as well for that which He loves so much.  I figure He knows what it's like to be lonely here, and he knows what wretched creatures we are, and yet He chooses to walk among us, to die for us, and ultimately to dwell within us.  So I will continue to ache and to grieve, to long and to love, to live and to die; to live with a reckless abandon to God and die to myself; because I know that He is the Resurrection and the Life, and ultimately I will not die, but will be resurrected with Him and will one day see Him face to face.  Oh God, how I ache for that day!  Lord have mercy!  And even so Lord Jesus, come quickly!

"...For now we see in a mirror dimly; but then, face to face." ~St. Paul the Apostle

"I perceive that you are enthroned in my heart Lord Jesus.  It is enough.  And I know that you are enthroned in Heaven.  Heaven and my heart are one." ~ Celtic Prayer

"Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing frighten you. All things are passing. God alone is unchanging. He who has patience wants for nothing. He who has God has all things.God alone suffices." ~St. Teresa of Avila

"Nobody tells you when you get born here, how much you'll come to love it but how you'll never belong here.  So I'll call you my country, and I'll be lonely for my home, but I wish that I could take you there with me..." ~ Rich Mullins, "Land of my Sojourn" 

"Innocence gets ripped away before you ever get a chance to make it a friend, and you're left with all your 'might of been's';  But you catch just a glimpse of it now and then.  It's never what you expect it'll be, but the taste you don't easily forget; and though I ache to get back again I know I'm not there yet...though I can taste it..." ~L.S., "Cast No Shadow"

"...And I know it aches, and your heart it breaks, and you can only take so much; walk on.  Home...hard to know where it is if you've never had one.  Home...I  can't say where it is, but I know I'm going home; that's where the hurt is.  And I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much...walk on." ~U2, "Walk On"

Back to Nap-Town

Well, once again, Janna and I have moved, and this time it's back to Nap-town, or Indianapolis to the layman. Yeah, it's been an excellent time away. The Lord has blessed us beyond our wildest hopes with time away to contemplate what He asks of us, and simply given us time to become one as a couple and take a break from city life. However, it's home to Indy and St. John's again. Janna's maternal grandmother is in poor health, and my brother Jon and his wife Allison are having the first grandbaby in September, so we were feeling the pull to be home again. We miss our dear friends Eric & Carrie with whom we lived for nearly 4 months, and sometimes wonder what's in store for us, but are happy to be home again. Janna has found employment, and I am currently looking for that perfect job that will pay well, and allow me time to continue my service to the Church through our camp programs...ahhh...what would that look like? Anyway...the sights, the sounds, and the smells of West Indy; both good and bad, there is truly nothing like stepping into your home parish and catching the scent of amber and myrrh wafting through the air, and you remember the smell of prayer, and breathe deep the breath of God. Life is good, and God is truly Good Himself. May He show us His path, and above all, teach us to love here and now; in this world He has placed us.

Blessed are the Poor...part 2

Joel Thomas, owner of "Analysis Analyzed" posted a comment to my copy of Alana's post, and when I began replying to it, it appeared obvious to me that I needed to just make a post out of the reply. So here it is... Joel says, "Definitely a great post by Alana. Was it the fact that it reminded you of Indy that struck home with you?" And my reply... Yeah, that's mainly it, although it hit something much deeper in me as well. Our year away has been a blessing in so many ways, even in that sometimes "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Despite its obvious problems and blemishes, West Indy is also an outpost of people who are a part of that remnant of Ancient Christianity and a shining beacon of light in a dark place. This, more than anything else, is what Alana's post reminded me of; that often times it is easy for me to forget that I/we as Christians and Believers in the Most High God are called to be a Light in dark places. Shoot, my own name means precisely that, (although sometimes I'd rather it not.) Rich Mullins always said that "Christianity is not about building a perfect little niche in the world, with your perfect little house, and your perfect little kids, where there are no poor people, gays, or minorities anywhere around you." Unfortunately, the Lie that "it" matters permeates even the heart of the Church and it is so easy to get caught up in the "stuff" of this world...buying it, having it, possesing all that we can. And for what? To prove to ourselves or to others that we are just as good? Just as wealthy? Just as successful? Just as influential and powerful? As if it matters to the God of Heaven and Earth where I buy my jeans, or what kind of car I drive, or what subdivision I live in. Even the "Christian Counterculture" with all of its marketing materials, bracelets, bibles, and "Praise Craze" is nothing more than another facet of the Lie and buying into it. (So as not to beat a dead horse, I won't say any more about that.) Alana said in a beautiful way so much of what I needed to be reminded of, and perhaps what we all need to be reminded of at times; that "it" doesn't matter...that my "comfort" is not what is most important. Our Camp theme this year so perfectly fits this discussion, and is a good reminder about what matters. We are taking it from Matthew 5:16 “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” Of course, the precursor to this verse is the Beatitudes themselves, and as a sub-theme and application verses, we are using James 1:22-27,

“Do not deceive yourselves by just listening to his word; instead, put it into practice. 23 If you listen to the word, but do not put it into practice you are like people who look in a mirror and see themselves as they are. 24 They take a good look at themselves and then go away and at once forget what they look like. 25 But if you look closely into the perfect law that sets people free, and keep on paying attention to it and do not simply listen and then forget it, but put it into practice—you will be blessed by God in what you do. 26 Do any of you think you are religious? If you do not control your tongue, your religion is worthless and you deceive yourself. 27 What God the Father considers to be pure and genuine religion is this: to take care of orphans and widows in their suffering and to keep oneself from being corrupted by the world.”

Perhaps if I spent as much time helping widows and orphans as I expend trying to "fit" and feel comfortable around those that may look down on me, I wouldn't forget so easily what I truly "look like" and what truly matters. Indeed, as Alana said so well, "Here is where it fits for me not to fit." May the Lord have mercy on me and help me to remember.

Blessed are the Poor...

This is from Alana's Blog "Morning Coffee." I thought it worth repeating here... Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.... Here is the place where grass pokes freely and rebelliously up through root-tattered sidewalk cracks. But these sidewalks get walked on, and are not just for show. The houses are small, cramped dingily together, with fringes of grass, old-fashioned blooms and rusty chain-link fences dividing the yards. The cars are old, bus stops close together and oft used. The people are old, tired, and ill-clad: Even the young...I look at lined faces of women who perhaps are my age. At one time I was surprised by missing teeth. This does not phase me anymore. Slumped shoulders, care-worn faces, shuffling steps, distended abdomens and the ever-dangling cigarettes and stretched out tatoos come sooner than the young want to admit. In the summer, at the pool, I notice that youth is for the young, while a fifteen year old mother splashes with her one-year old toddler in the shallow end where I am supervising my own brood. She's too young for motherhood, I think...and yet, there she is, doing the best she can. I admire her for it, and wish I could somehow help. The colors of this place are black, white, hispanic, all mixed together, shouldering the burden of minimum wage jobs together. The youngest generation, more often than not, is bi-racial...and I see the color of this neighborhood gradually changing to a more homogenous light/medium brown. The variety will be missed. And there is an honesty here which draws me...I don't have to pretend to be what I am not. I don't have to pretend to be prosperous, or beautiful. I don't have to pretend to have it made. If my hair is being impossible, or if I have a ketchup stain on my shirt, no one will care. Sometimes, when I drive out of my neighborhood, I wonder if it's vestiges are clinging to me...I get tempted to try and be more beautiful, more successful looking, spiffier, shinier....prosperous, so that people will think well of me. I feel shy, taking my kids to the playland on the other side of town...the side where we do not live. There, the mom's pull up in their SUV's, designer-clad children disembark to play. Although I don't quite fit in as a part of the neighborhood where I live, I know for sure I wouldn't fit in this world. Occasional forrays are all I can stand. But the truth of the matter is, no one can tell that my eddie bauer clothes came from the thrift store. No one can tell that my brand new Kia minivan is our only car...and what is best of all: In the grand scheme of life, no one cares. And so I realize it is the lie lurking inside my head that I must combat: the lie told by the media, the lie on TV...the lie about the stuff, the lie about the looks, the lie about prosperity and peace, the lie that my full belly is all that matters. It chafes...this living in the world, and trying not to be a part of it. How to go about doing this work? Here is where I am, and I want to bring God's kingdom into this place.... Here, is where it fits for me not to fit. - posted by alana @ 12:11 PM

Happy Birthday Rabbit!

The Great Octo-Rabbit

Once again it is time to wish a very Happy Birthday to "Grand Unified Mystery" blog owner, and my dear friend, Joshua "Rabbit" Coolman. Rabbit was born on this day sometime in the distant past. So hop on over to the Rabtab blog, or comment here, and wish the Rabbit a very happy birthday! (While raising the virtual pint o' Guinness...) My "cheers" to you Rabbit, and may God grant you many, many years!

CHRIST IS RISEN! INDEED HE IS RISEN! CHRISTOS ANESTI! ALITOS ANESTI!

Forgive Me, A Sinner

Creation of Man & The Expulsion from Paradise

And so, Great Lent began Sunday evening with the Sunday of the Expulsion from Paradise and Forgiveness Vespers. As fallen mankind we remember painfully our fall from Paradise and our origin from God, and seek forgiveness from Him, and begin with forgiveness from one another. Back in Indianapolis with friends and family for this powerful and cleansing Sunday. Truly a gift from God. And now, to all of my faithful readers and commenters: Please forgive me, for I am a sinner. Forgive me for all the pride and arrogance that I display here and on your blogs, and above all, forgive me for sinning against you in thought, word, and deed; in what I have done and in what I have left undone. May the Lord show us all his lovingkindness and great mercy, and give us strength for our journey to Pascha!

The Road Goes Ever On & On...

"The Road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say."

The title says it all... The song/poem composed by J.R.R. Tolkien has always been one of my favorites, and many times in my life I have recalled it with great fondness as well as excitement and perhaps a healthy measure of fear. After 9 months here at Holy Redeemer Monastery in Southern Indiana, and with much prayer and hesitation, we've decided to move to Greenville, IL to pursue...well, God. There are hopes of managing a coffee shop with our good friends Eric & Carrie Jewett, there's the hint of the beginnings of a mission church, and there's the smell of community in the air. But, in the end, nothing is for certain, and we are simply going on faith, hope, and love; faith in the all sufficient grace of God, hope in the road set before us (although we've no idea where it will lead), and love of Christ and His Church. We had made plans to move back to Indy, and after much searching for jobs and housing, all the doors just seemed to be shut. And, without intentionally pursuing anything West, opportunities opened up in Greenville. So, we prayed about it, asked for advice, and through a couple of discussions and one amazing "coincidence" we find ourselves packing up the ole' wagon (really) and heading West.

We've told all of our family and many of our friends, and while most are sad and disappointed at our decision not to move back to Indy, all are supportive and happy for us and our adventure. The cliched statement from most of the older faithful at St. John's was "Well, bad for us, but good for you." Flattering and encouraging at the same time. We will miss our dear parish and the city that is our home, but we hope to find life in Illinois, (no Eric, that's not a crack at the small town...) and how can we not? For if the Holy Spirit is truly everywhere present and filling all things, then I think we will not be disappointed.

In pondering all of this, I stumbled across a quote from Mike Yaconelli (Memory Eternal!) from an article written on his 50th birthday, and thought I would post it here. It's an excellent reminder to me and hopefully to all of you:

"So here I stand, looking at the ground, smelling the faint fragrance of God. Never once did it occur to me that when I found God's trail again, it would ruin my life forever and for once you feel the breath of God on your skin, you can never turn back, you can never settle for what was, you can only move on recklessly, with abandon, your heart filled with fear, your ears ringing with the constant whisper, "Fear not." Once you find where the trail is, you are faced with a sobering truth and in order to go on, you must let go of what brought you here. You cannot go on without turning your back on what brought you to this place. It is like swinging on a trapeze. Once you have gained the courage to swing, you never want to let go...and then, without warning (around age 50, for me), you look up and see another trapeze swinging towards you, perfectly timed to meet you, and you realize you are being asked to let go and grab onto the other trapeze. You have to release your grip. You have to reach out. You have to experience the glorious terror of inbetween-ness as you disconnect from one and reach for the other. This past year has been a time of letting go, one finger at a time, and these last few weeks have been a terrifying weightlessness, a wait-lessness, a paralyzing stretch for the unknown. I haven't reached the other bar yet. I am somewhere in between, but I can tell you this: my heart is filled with an exhilaration, an anxious anticipation that just as I get to the other bar, I will not grasp it, but I will instead be grasped by the hand of Jesus."

"I can hardly wait."

How can one say it any better? This has been my journey so far, and at 26 years of age, it shows no sign of slowing! All I can ask is that God continue to give me wonder, as He always has done. And, I hope I can live in such a way that others will see this fearlesness and come to know and trust God as I have. If I achieve nothing else in this life, I will be able to say that all my life was lived as if swinging from a trapeze, and Jesus never let go. He gives us rest and comfort on the platforms occasionally, but I always know that it's only temporary. Even if all the externals seem stable, I know that the next jump is coming, and I'm only moments away from the next swing. But, in it all I'll be able to say with joy and wonder, as Mikey was fond of saying, "Man, what a ride!"

Glory to God for All Things! Glory to Jesus Christ! Glory Forever!

Living Las Vegas

Yes, that's right my faithful blog readers...I'm back. It's been nearly 2 MONTHS since my last post, and in that time there's been two holidays, a Winter Retreat, a flood, a Ranch Council, a Camp Directors Meeting in Las Vegas, a major winter ice and snow storm, Janna and I's 2 year anniversary, and news of becoming an Uncle! So, for all those who had begun to assume that I was just lazy...nice try...

So, what's it all been like, and what have I gleaned from all of this...not a damn thing. No, really, there's so much to say, yet so little time to say it. I have a heck of a post coming this week, but this is just to whet the ole' appetite. Let's just say that as far as people and places go, I've run the gauntlet; from Fr. Thomas Hopko to Elvis himself, I've seen 'em. From Naptown to Sin City, I've been there, and from the valleys to the mountain tops, I've walked. And, in all of it, God is so radiantly breaking through. All has been so transparent and so filled with light and life; true life, life in God Himself, and I am so utterly unworthy and thankful for it all! So, I will say more in a bit, but until then, may the Lord bless and keep you all; especially those of you who have the courage and heart to check back here just one more time to see if I actually posted... :-)